Benno's Figures Forum

Posted by **Paul** on 05 Sep 2009, 17:15

Alright, Pirates are popular at the moment so;

Why couldn't the pirate hear?
'Cuz he had no buccan-ears!

What did the pirate say when he had an heart attack?
Arrr me hearty!

Why do pirates go to the opera?
For the ARRRias and the high c's!

To err is human.
To ARRR is pirate.

Why do young pirates always fail when saying the alphabet in kindergarten?
Because their fathers insist that there are seven Cs!!!!

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!

How did the captains of Spanish treasure ships keep their cool?
They wore anti-pers-pirate!!!

Whats a pirate's favorite part of a birthday party?
Da-Balloons!

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
begginer!!

Posted by **monty** on 05 Sep 2009, 22:31

this is an rejected GCSE exam question

what is amnesia ?

A, memory loss

A, memory loss

4, the battle of hastings

:-D

Posted by **Valion** on 06 Sep 2009, 08:32

Monty, that is a SUPERB joke ! LMAO !! :mrgreen:

Posted by **monty** on 06 Sep 2009, 09:48

cheers valion :mrgreen:

monty

Posted by **bilsonius** on 07 Sep 2009, 01:18

Old joke, which can now be recycled in connection with modern piracy:
1) "What's the capital of Somalia?"
2) "Mogadishu"
3) "Gesundheit!"

Posted by **ColeF** on 07 Sep 2009, 01:31

My grandpa tells this one sometimes:

There are two not-so-bright guys working on a house with no power tools, just hammer, nails, etc. So, they are nailing on the house, but one of the guys, every now and then, just takes one and throws it over his shoulder. Finally, the other guy says "Why do you keep wasting nails like that?" And the first guy replies "Well, every now and then, one is facing the wrong way." And the other guy says "You dummy! We'll use those on the other side of the house!".

Posted by **Paul** on 07 Sep 2009, 15:56

Heard that joke recently but it concerned two Blondes, there´s a lot of so called "Blondinen" jokes here in germany.
like;
A blond goes into a Hairdressers and asks for a trim, but on No account should the Hairdresser remove or cut the cords to her walkman. whilst gently snipping around her ears, one of the cables gets severed and immediately the blond dies. The hairdresser gets her own earphones, plugs them into the blonds walkman and hears; "Breath in....Breath out......Breath in......."

Posted by **ColeF** on 09 Sep 2009, 12:25

If you want a real laugh, listen to this guy:
http://www.timhawkins.net/video.php

:lol:

Posted by **kit95** on 17 Sep 2009, 09:23

Reader's Digest is always a good source for these, especially the annual humour issues. Want me to put some?

Posted by **Paul** on 17 Sep 2009, 16:05

kit95 wrote:Reader's Digest is always a good source for these, especially the annual humour issues. Want me to put some?

Yes please :-)

Posted by **kit95** on 18 Sep 2009, 08:46

Heres some from the september2009 pg 91-99 (Best jokes of the world):
Argentina
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.
''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.
''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''
The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''

The one from
australia is the one about paws and pauses
China
My cousin always ''borrows'' money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside was this note: ''Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen.''
Canada
A man says to a friend, ''My wife is on a three-week diet.''
''Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?''
''Two weeks.''
Croatia
A concerned police officer approaches a boy crying in front of a newsstand.
''What's wrong?'' he asks.
''Superman isn't out yet!''
''I'll handle it,'' the cop assures him. ''Hey, Superman!'' he shouts. ''Come on out! We won't hurt you!''
Czech Republic
A man calls a radio deejay and says, ''I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.' ''
''So?'' says the deejay. ''What do you want us to do? ''
''Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?''

Actually i don't understand Czech's and Croatia's
More when i have time, enjoy! :-D

Posted by **Paul** on 18 Sep 2009, 15:05

A couple are on holiday in Wales and stop in a small village with a very long welsh name. They stand there looking at the sign trying to pronounce it but finally decide to go into a local shop and ask for the proper pronunciation. The women serving behind the counter looks at them as if they are mad but they repeat the request saying " we want to be able to tell people when we get back home the name of this place and we can´t pronounce it properly, can you please tell us how to say it properly" The woman sighs and says, "it´s easy, the name of this place is Burger King"

Posted by **captainzlog** on 18 Sep 2009, 23:27

What do sea monsters live on?

Fish & Ships!

Posted by **bilsonius** on 19 Sep 2009, 01:43

Hi Paul;
You beat me to it with the one about Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch...
Did you hear it on BBC Radio recently as well?
(As a matter of interest, the place is also 'famous' as the site of the first Women's Institute in the UK, in 1915...)

Mike

Posted by **Paul** on 19 Sep 2009, 09:07

Hi Bilsonius,
:-)

yes on Radio 4, the excellent programme with the Brilliant and much loved Rolf Harris
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/GS-itkO9ia8&hl=de&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/GS-itkO9ia8&hl=de&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

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<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_D-LmRNdQiQ&hl=de&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_D-LmRNdQiQ&hl=de&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lwtnBm8glPE&hl=de&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lwtnBm8glPE&hl=de&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IPOIy4Kb9M4&hl=de&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IPOIy4Kb9M4&hl=de&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

and there´s too sooo much more form the great man!!

Posted by **bilsonius** on 19 Sep 2009, 12:13

I once fancied being a Japanese warrior but, as Rolf Harris says;
"Samurai's up early in the morning..."

Mike

Posted by **Paul** on 20 Sep 2009, 17:29

More beans vicar :-)

Posted by **Dad's Army** on 20 Sep 2009, 17:32

Is the light going out at the end, or is that the result of her fart?
:lol:

Posted by **Susofrick** on 22 Sep 2009, 14:48

She's Swedish and it's not the lights that go out, it's the Swedish Winter coming (cold, dark and miserable!)

Posted by **monty** on 22 Sep 2009, 15:09

any one here heard of the "chuck norris facts" such as
the quickest way to a mans heart is chuck norris's fist
:mrgreen:

(for anyone that doesent know who chuck norris is hes really good at martial arts)

monty

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