Officers Mess

It´s a laugh

Posted by Paul on 08 Apr 2009, 16:14

just thought it would be fun to post up our favourite jokes.
here´s one of mine;
The village idiot is walking along when the good fairy pops up and grants him 2 wishes. He thinks about it and being as he likes a drink, he wishes for a bottle of wiskey, that when it´s been drunk empty it automatically fills up again. Ok, says the fairy and PING, it appears. The Village idiot drinks it empty and lo and behold, it fills up again. Ok says the fairy, you´ve got one wish left, what will it be?, and the village idiot, without hesitation says, Another one of those.
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Posted by T. Dürrschmidt on 08 Apr 2009, 22:22

Hehe, good one... :-)

Here is my favourite joke.

Two men have a rest at a small lake in the summer. They watch the windsurfers on the water. A female surfer capsizes. The two men watch this. One of the two says: "She is going to drown!" He undresses and jumps into the water. He swims to the spot she downsized and tries to grab her under water. He catches her, and swims with her to the shore. Then he begins to reanimate her with kiss of life. After a few minutes he says to his mate: "I can´t continue with this. She has such a bad breath." His mate says..." Oh look, it´s the false one. This one here has skates on her feet."

Buaaah!! :drool:
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T. Dürrschmidt  Germany
 
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Posted by Paul on 09 Apr 2009, 12:42

Echt Buaaah :lol:
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Posted by T. Dürrschmidt on 09 Apr 2009, 17:10

Yep, aber anscheinend steht sonst niemand auf deutschen Humor :-)
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T. Dürrschmidt  Germany
 
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Posted by je_touche on 09 Apr 2009, 17:12

T. Dürrschmidt wrote:Yep, aber anscheinend steht sonst niemand auf deutschen Humor :-)


That may be the funniest thing here. :lol:
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Posted by ModernKiwi on 09 Apr 2009, 22:01

I've never talked about this before, but I really need advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My girlfriend has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
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Posted by Paul on 10 Apr 2009, 11:58

Modernkiwi that could be considered as german humour, very subtle, :thumbup:
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Posted by Paul on 10 Apr 2009, 12:14

So here´s another as there´s obviously so few whove got a favourite joke,
A man is walking through a Park oneday and he hears `hello, hello!
he looks about but can´t see anyone. `hello, hello`comes again and he eventualy looks up and sees the angel gabriel. Oh hello Angel gabriel`he says, and the angel gabriel says that he´s been sent down to give the first person he meets 3 wishes. Ok says the bloke I´ll take them. `but´says gabriel, évery wish you make, your mother in law gets it double`.
`the bloke thinks and says, òk, I´ll want 100000€ on my bank account
The angel says `tommorow it´will be there`.
The next morning the man checks his accoun t and there´s 100000€ on it. He goes to the park and there´s gabriel again.
This time he wishes for a brand new mercedes,in white, all modern extras, in his name, leather seats everything.
Next morning he looks out of his window and in the drive there´s a brand new white mercedes. Just then the phone rings and it´s his Mother in Law, She tells him that wierd things have been happening, 200000€ appeared on her account and now 2 Brand new White mercedes have appeared in her drive.
The man is Pi**ed off about this and goes back to the park.
The Angel turns up and asks what his last wish will be and the man says,
`beat me half to death`
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Posted by ColeF on 10 Apr 2009, 12:30

Here is one of mine:
One day a barber is cutting a man's hair. The barber looks up and sees a little boy, named Jimmy, coming. He tells the man that Jimmy is really dumb, he says, "watch and I'll show you." So, Jimmy comes in and the barber says, "Jimmy, do you want 2 quarters or a dollar? And Jimmy says, "I'll take the 2 quarters." Jimmy walks out and the barber says, "See, I told you." When the man leaves he sees Jimmy and he goes over and asks him, "Why did you pick the 2 quarters? Don't you know that a dollar is worth more than 2 quarters?" And Jimmy says, "Yeah, but the day I pick the dollar he'll stop giving them to me."


:lol:
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Posted by Fenton on 10 Apr 2009, 12:43

ok very quick one

Englishman, Scotsman and Irisman are struggling through the sesert dying of thirst when the Englishman spots a lantern on the ground, pickming it up and rubbing it a Genie appears


The Genie looks down on the three men and grants them one wish each

The Englishman suffering in the heeat asks for a mule carrying lots of cool water..the Genie twiddles his fingers and the mule and water appear


The Scotsman then thinks about his wish , and finally comes up with an idea and asks for a large parasol to keep the sun oput...in a flash a parasol appears in his hand

The Irish man looks at the mule and the parasol and has a long long think


Eventually a smile appears across his face and he asks the Genie for a car door


The Genie looks puzzled but grants the wish and a car door appears and the Genie disappears

THe Irishman heaves the car door up and starts to walk off..Puzzled by all this the Scotsman runs up to the Irishman, and says

"Why the hell in all this heat did you ask fo ra car door?"
"Ah you see " replies the Irishman...it maybe hot and at the moment, but if it gets any warmer I can always wind the window down!"
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Posted by ModernKiwi on 11 Apr 2009, 02:46

As two construction workers left the job site, one guy confided in the other, "Man, as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip off my wife's underwear!"

"What's the rush?" asked his buddy.

"The elastic in the legs is rubbing me raw!"


=============================================

A fire breaks out at a blonde's house, so she dials 911:

"Hurry my house is on fire! Come and put it out!"

Operator: "OK Ma'am, how do we get there?"

Blonde: "Well duh...the big red truck!"
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Posted by ModernKiwi on 11 Apr 2009, 02:56

This one is specially for Susofrick:

=============================================

Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump too!"

The Swede is the last to open up his lunch. "Ah crap - meatballs again! Why always meatballs? If I get meatballs tomorrow, I'm going to jump too!"

The next day the Aussie opens his lunch box and it's a meat pie... He jumps to his death.

The Finn opens his lunch box and, yes, it's a sausage. He too jumps to his death.

The Swede opens his lunch and sadly there's a pile of meatballs, so he jumps too.

The three widows of the construction workers are talking at the funeral and the Aussie's wife says "I don't understand. I thought my husband loved meat pies! If he didn't want them he should have said something!"

The Finnish widow says "Same here - I thought my husband wanted sausages! Why didn't he say something?"

The Swede's widow says, "I don't get it... my husband made his own lunch."
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Posted by Paul on 11 Apr 2009, 09:34

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
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Posted by Taphouse on 11 Apr 2009, 11:19

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."

"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"

The old man replies:

"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Immigration. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'
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Posted by Paul on 11 Apr 2009, 11:45

Man walks through a park (same park as before) and meets the angel gabriel, the angel says Ýou´ve got one wish, what do you want?

The man says`as you should know I like driving and driving fast, but these days with all the cameras etc I can´t indulge my passion so I wish for a motorway in a tunnel that goes underground from my house (in Germany) to the coast of newzealand and back, under the sea, with a roundabout at both ends, just for me.

òk says the angel, `I´ll have to ask god first, wait here´
Off he goes and 10 minutes later comes back.
´God says that it´s impossible, all the hills and valleys under the sea, the cost, keeping it safe etc, just not feasable, still you´ve got your wish so you can have something else´
The man thinks and says ´alright, my wife is never satisfied with me, don´t matter what I do, couldn´t I use my wish to make her happy?´

Ok´says the angel, Í´ll just ask wether god will be willing to do that´wait here.
Off he goes and 2 hours later comes back.

´would the Motorway have to have 2 lanes or would 1 do?
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Posted by Susofrick on 29 Apr 2009, 14:00

@ModernKiwi:

I think I get it, but am not sure. Been pondering it some time, but can you explain it please? :drool:






Naah, this is a very fun thread that Paul started. Lots of these: :lol: :lol: :lol: (and now my keyboard works again, but I won't put Gorgoroth at "My Kinda music", they're too offensive).
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Posted by nybot on 29 Apr 2009, 14:26

I think I might have that Pig Flu.

I've been coming out in rashers!
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Posted by Paul on 29 Apr 2009, 16:09

nybot wrote:I think I might have that Pig Flu.

I've been coming out in rashers!


And I´ve been sweating like a pig which is a bit of a boar. Mind you some poor swine had to get it.
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Posted by Adam on 29 Apr 2009, 16:12

Did my grandad just hack Paul and Nybots accounts? :shock:
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Posted by Paul on 29 Apr 2009, 16:19

Bloke comes back from the doctors after having a major check up.
His wife asks how it was and he says, "well, it can´t be that good, because tommorrow I´ve got to take in a Urine sample, a poo sample and semen sample".
"Pah", says his wife, "that´s easy, just wear your old corduroy trousers "
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